What can I really write here that will make things better? I have utilized this blog about as much as a overweight person in denial uses the medicine ball their aunt got them for Christmas. I'd like to say my life is too busy, but ultimately that's not the truth. Ultimately, I give my time to so many things that I consider important and I let so many thoughts fester. I despise coming across as a person who complains when I ultimately let fear, stagnation, fear of disappointing/failing, the seeking of perfection, uncertainty, naivete, and a degree of low self-esteem halt so many things that could potentially advance my life. The problem is I only feel some of these feelings when looking at my life in comparison to what colleagues, friends, associates and peers are doing. For a while I was relatively and almost completely assuredly happy with where I sat in life. To an extent I still am because I value happiness and joy in so many ways, and I am a very simple person in those respects. My hobbies don't involve things that are showy, they aren't things that warrant attention or acclaim or really even the cooperation of others. I don't desire to dress particularly flashy, I'm not an overwhelmingly great looking guy so I don't feel I have a standard to live up to. I am a relatively average person who is perpetually unique only through thought processes, genetics, aesthetic tastes in entertainment, creativity, emotions, intelligence quotient and other indeterminable factors.
Maybe this is the most depressing thing I've ever written on the internet. Maybe, like so many posts on this blog, this won't really be read by a great deal of people. But I had to express this somewhere and I hate venting to other people because they don't deserve having to be affronted with my problems just because I can't handle them, I don't care how kind they are or if they're family. Who knows, maybe I'll seek psychiatric help. Maybe I'll continue to try different things and see what the outcomes are, maybe things will turn out entirely the opposite of what I expect. Maybe (undoubtedly) life will take an unexpected turn, and I'll end up doing something else that I'm passionate about. No one's life is charted precisely the same; the beauty and overt frustration of life for a person so used to following by the book.
Way back in middle school a girl told me I was very school smart, but not very street smart. I think I've developed in both ways, but the former still trumps the latter. Perhaps there lies "the rub?"
A Hamlet reference to end a morbid post, but don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I'm just pensive.I'm trying to lead a life that will make an impact for all the right reasons. I'm impatient, I'm apprehensive, I'm imperfect. But, ultimately I'm alive. Which simply means I'll just have to keep trying to advance my life, doing certain things, forgetting to do/not doing other things, and then taking the consequences/rewards.
This post was completed on January 4, 2012. Let's see where I can try to go from here. End.
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