eternal sunshine of the hopeful heart

people are strange, they're selfish, they're need based
they are imperfect but we need them
we hate them but cling to them
our hormones, pheromones and homophones long for them
a bit of a joke but it has to be said

people will evoke feelings from you
crack your egg, take your yolk and provoke
feelings in you that are never reciprocated
almost making you feel hated, and then days later elated

maybe our generation followed the wrong map
the blueprint was skewed, the plans a booby trap
entrapment, ensnared because no one taught us to care
just taught us to get it, to hustle, to fit it. to fit time into it, to just do it

and do it we shall, judging without regard
you want to reach out but damn it gets hard
when you do it so often and the nail just goes deeper
but all you are is a hammer with more work than relief
feelings and memories you keep and embed
wishing someone would come and erase your head

you fall into bed, another necessary slumber
but unfulfilling and you're willing to maybe try again
and you do, even though you have a better clue,
but faith is made up of hope and unseen evidence
we base it on what's baseless hoping for better from a friend

sometimes we're rewarded and it makes us smile
most times it's disappointment, linger in it for a while.

the recipe.

tame
insane
inane
for shame
what i embody is what fear is when crystallized
a festering, testing battle with mettle
afraid to greet failure
thereby failing to recognize the human condition
cognition
recognition
situation
hesitation
regrets forming clouds that shroud
going pound for pound with a dust cloud
of what was left undone
all the while feeling more distant from--
the sun
inquire
perspire
desire
dire

need
succeed
speed
heed

unknown

the fear i hold dear

merriam-webster’s definitions 1b and 1c of change are: to make radically different. to give a different position, course, or direction to. it is one of the most difficult things to do, while being among the most simple things to do in the scale of human difficulty. at least that’s my perception. we become so inescapably bound to the things that give us pleasure, comfort, fleeting happiness that our cognition is unable to see the stagnation, repetition, and stifling growth in our faces. if we do our best we get 6-8 hours of sleep in a 24-hour day. what we do with the 16-18 hours is what builds to sweeping change, minute change, no change, further stagnation, further coddling or simply nothing at all. i cannot play judge. i am and have been caught in the dependence on things, entertainment, television, excess, perception, ego and all of the things that coincide with them and i have stifled my ability to learn, to express. i have done a great deal of wasting my time while simultaneously stunting my mental growth. the blame can’t entirely go to the world, to america. we all make choices. we all become a part of what we want, feed whatever desires we develop, do the things we feel are important. allocate time to people, places, ideas and situations of no merit. comfort ourselves with the idea that the little bit of good we do will be enough to absolve us when our predecessors and peers inquire about what we’ve done to balance the scale of justice.

 is this what happens (what i’m writing) when you have an epiphany? is it supposed to be frustrating? is it supposed to completely frighten you by making you question the devotion you’ve given to every ritual and thing you hold dear? are you supposed to instantaneously “make a radical difference?” can you even do it?

 i am so unabashedly afraid that i will continue to live my life, express the thoughts i have, do the things i do and never come close to tapping into a tenth of the most amazing thoughts my mind can perceive. i don’t brag about my mind because i’m a genius, my intelligence quotient is above average but not genius-level. i do think i have the ability to grow into a person that can be mentally astute, but even then i’ll have so much to learn. i want to learn, i want to be a better person, i want to be more than i am, to lead a transitive life not a typical one. but all of these desires battle with needs and the abstract constantly quarrels with the concrete. bills have to be paid, debts have to be repaid, we have to eat, we have to have shelter, we have to be hygienic (that word is spelled so awkwardly, awkwardly is too).

 maybe (definitely, assuredly) i will stagger back into what i’ve always done. because the weight of what i know and the power of one of the keystones of humanity—nostalgia—towers over me and creates and perpetuates a fear and unsettled view of the unknown. i will fail. i don’t like failure, i don’t want to be a failure. but considering that none of us are infallible i should wake up and recognize that i was limited before i was even born.

 i wrote all of this because my mind needed release. i wrote this because i want to be a holistic person. not the kind of holistic person i am know; i know about all kinds of tv shows, movies, music, popular culture, random facts, just a myriad things that should not be more prevalent in my mind than legitimate thought and thoughts of what truly matters.

i am 21 years old. i am an american. i have been crippled by a broken, antiquated educational system but since i excel in it, i have become tracked to continue in it. i am a citizen in an imperfect country, settled in an imperfect continent on an imperfect planet. i am as insignificant to the world as an ant is to a human. but my advantage over that ant is my mind. my envy of that ant is his ignorance and his steadfastness.

 i don’t want to die without properly impacting the world in a positive way. i don’t want a statue, i just want one man, one woman, one child, one elderly person to smile when they think of something i did for them.

 i desire peace for this troubled, unsettled mind. not the peace of silence on a day with low obligations. i mean peace that allows a mind the room to breathe and flourish.

 finally, and ever so ironically. i’ve expressed all these thoughts on a platform that is a product of what cripples me. and that might just be the irony of american privilege. boundless opportunity and boundless distractions.

the tick

what do i do with this frustrating tick?
this tick that i cannot flatten or remove
this tick that is constant as how the wind might blow
this tick that makes sense of the different and difference

you see this tick has been merciless
its fervor unmatched and unwavering
it has been as creative as it is destructive
a patchwork of ingenuity and genius made corrupt

as tensions and anger can erupt
a volcanic overflow of retributive force
makes itself known in the orphan's call
in the buildings that would fall

eagles soar above amber waves
protecting some, redeeming others we believe
but can we conceive that our decision
is as sickening as its creation

this tick i say, it didn't last long
it was short, constant, leading to a swan song
it laid waste to everything it could find
its radius reflective of its chemical design

the same child that cried
matched for another that died
all in the name of justice and liberty
the percussive tick. i sing to thee

Best Albums of 2011

This post took me a little longer to compose than I wanted because I wanted to give proper attention to as many albums as I could, and to remind myself why I liked certain projects from early in the year. The albums are in no particular order because that's too tough for me. This list is obviously influenced by my biases and with all the rigramole out of the way...here we go:

Bon Iver- S/T

TV on the Radio- Nine Types of Light

Toro y Moi- Underneath the Pine

ScHoolBoy Q- Setbacks

GIRLS- Father, Son, Holy Ghost

The Go! Team- Rolling Blackouts

Tennis- Cape Dory

Wilco- The Whole Love

Shabazz Palaces- Black Up

M83- Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

Radiohead- The King of Limbs

OverDoz- Live For, Die For

The Joy Formidable- The Big Roar

Big K.R.I.T.- Return of 4Eva

Bibio- Mind Bokeh

Fleet Foxes- Helplessness Blues

Beastie Boys- Hot Sauce Committee Pt. 2

Adele- 21

Kendrick Lamar- Section.80

Friendly Fires- Pala

SebastiAn- Total

Little Dragon- Ritual Union

J*Davey- New Designer Drug

Superheavy- S/T

The Black Keys- El Camino

The Roots- Undun

tUnE-YarDs- W H O K I L L

Feist- Metals

TiRon and Ayomari- A Sucker for Pumps

Alabama Shakes- Alabama Shakes

Jay-Z and Kanye West- Watch the Throne 

Lykke Li- Wounded Rhymes

Cults- S/T

Red Hot Chili Peppers- I'm With You

Common- The Dreamer, The Believer

St. Vincent- Strange Mercy

Thundercat- The Golden Age of Apocalypse

SBTRKT- S/T

Cage the Elephant- Thank You, Happy Birthday

Naj Murph- Heir Murph

MUTEMATH- Odd Soul

Moist Ghost- Enter the Dolphin Vault

illuminate

how is it that the words i express
find a way to caress
and manifest; taking time to invest
in that which controls your process

your cerebral cortex, i spy, i enlist
the highest form of wit to penetrate it
you can slit--my mind--take your time
the content might be irreverent

but i beg of you, patience. i'm your patient
and you my victim of mental probing
now i'm creating visions of eloping
to another sphere where we--my dear--can mingle with mingus

let our minds mimic the mad jazz man
or with another hand, shift the plane to another plane
and meet with dali or garvey, to see if maybe
we can be as crazy as the greats of history

no crimes committed, no thoughts omitted
mining in valhalla for the treasure of the gods
then returning to terra firma in our escape pods
god, it would be an experience unlike any seen

debunking all that is sacred and pristine
take my hand, if this sounds like more than a dream

a brief catharsis

What can I really write here that will make things better? I have utilized this blog about as much as a overweight person in denial uses the medicine ball their aunt got them for Christmas. I'd like to say my life is too busy, but ultimately that's not the truth. Ultimately, I give my time to so many things that I consider important and I let so many thoughts fester. I despise coming across as a person who complains when I ultimately let fear, stagnation, fear of disappointing/failing, the seeking of perfection, uncertainty, naivete, and a degree of low self-esteem halt so many things that could potentially advance my life. The problem is I only feel some of these feelings when looking at my life in comparison to what colleagues, friends, associates and peers are doing. For a while I was relatively and almost completely assuredly happy with where I sat in life. To an extent I still am because I value happiness and joy in so many ways, and I am a very simple person in those respects. My hobbies don't involve things that are showy, they aren't things that warrant attention or acclaim or really even the cooperation of others. I don't desire to dress particularly flashy, I'm not an overwhelmingly great looking guy so I don't feel I have a standard to live up to. I am a relatively average person who is perpetually unique only through thought processes, genetics, aesthetic tastes in entertainment, creativity, emotions, intelligence quotient and other indeterminable factors.

Maybe this is the most depressing thing I've ever written on the internet. Maybe, like so many posts on this blog, this won't really be read by a great deal of people. But I had to express this somewhere and I hate venting to other people because they don't deserve having to be affronted with my problems just because I can't handle them, I don't care how kind they are or if they're family. Who knows, maybe I'll seek psychiatric help. Maybe I'll continue to try different things and see what the outcomes are, maybe things will turn out entirely the opposite of what I expect. Maybe (undoubtedly) life will take an unexpected turn, and I'll end up doing something else that I'm passionate about. No one's life is charted precisely the same; the beauty and overt frustration of life for a person so used to following by the book.

Way back in middle school a girl told me I was very school smart, but not very street smart. I think I've developed in both ways, but the former still trumps the latter. Perhaps there lies "the rub?"

A Hamlet reference to end a morbid post, but don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I'm just pensive.I'm trying to lead a life that will make an impact for all the right reasons. I'm impatient, I'm apprehensive, I'm imperfect. But, ultimately I'm alive. Which simply means I'll just have to keep trying to advance my life, doing certain things, forgetting to do/not doing other things, and then taking the consequences/rewards.

This post was completed on January 4, 2012. Let's see where I can try to go from here. End.

trial and fervor

I'm typically a fighter in the way of a rhyming soothsayer
A purveyor of words from the world without end
Attempting to recollect feelings from how your body would bend
An aerobic payback of loving dividends

But it ends as quickly as it begins
Friends and more than friends interwoven and chosen
To play roles they didn't chose, play games they might lose
Oceans and streams, fronds and anemones, enemies embedded into recent memories

Lovers play with heart chords and write songbooks of solemnity
All while we wonder why cardiac arrest seems to arrest our thoughts
Undeveloped acquaintance falls into decay
And life settles into a dust of doldrum and disarray

I would assay why this fight is so typical, so inescapably normative
As we remain inextricably bound to action and reaction, cause and effect, courage and relent
Ultimately settling for whatever we design
Free will at its most formative--an equally frustrating and beautiful design

Follow me into this firefight of homily, homonym, homophone and hometown glory
As we divulge the innerworkings of our twisted stories
Life begins and ends with the tongue, the pen, the eyes
Lies, lies, lies until someone testifies

meditación

a place i knew once spoke to me
and told me of its life
of strength, dedication, blood and strife
it invited me to see

gave me a treasure trove
unpacked the richness in its inner alcove
reinvigorated a desperate dreamer
ignited a passion in a glorious fever

a necessary and productive venture
one embedded with growth and truth
forcing us to reinspect this creature
this body, this soul, inner turmoil we sooth

perhaps we perilously plunge into the unknown
but is the peril as pejorative as we perceive?
or will it deconstruct? a new creation grown.
the former for which we take no time to grieve

ultimately we sail to a new horizon
greeted with an incredible prescription
unsure of how long the healing effects will last
a difficult task--suspension of the past

yardbird

there is a statement in your smile
a monologue for the huddled masses
a display of God's divine craftsmanship
the subtle hint of joy or trepidation
how you hint at laughter I desire to bring
a proclamation of how your soul might sing

32 or less defenders of my embrace
a chase I loathe but with dividends great
how I long to transform a smile to much more
with this I implore you to never stop
shake foundations and create light in despair
inspire hope, make change, write one more page

a smile that could reshape history
one that I'll eternally yearn to see